I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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