I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
