Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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