Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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