He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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