someone threw a dead crab at me
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
