if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
