I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
