i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
