I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
