I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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