i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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