got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
