My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize