I didn't shave. On purpose
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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