the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
