He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
