Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
