I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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