fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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