I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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