life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
