Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize