I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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