you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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