The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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