just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I didn't shave. On purpose
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
