i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize