the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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