Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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