Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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