her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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