It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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