Only a mothe r could love this liver
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
