I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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