All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
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