I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
