Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
