I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Everclear isn't food dammit
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize