Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
