When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
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