and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You are a genius and a whore.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
