toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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