When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
