I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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