you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Randomize
