what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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