Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
