you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
