Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
