Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
a search helicopter?!
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
