I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
