the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
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