I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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