Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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