I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
