If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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