I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
