She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize